It’s April 1st

So, today is the 1st day of April. That mans there are 54 days until summer vacation. 54 days until I want to be able to rock my strapless dresses, tank tops, short shorts, and hey, a bikini even. Today, I’m far from there. And who knows?  May 24th may come, and I still may be far from there. But, if there’s one thing I want to accomplish. That’s completing the 30-Day Shred and feeling great in the body I have. I should have finished it today. Had I not procrastinated until 10:30 at night two weeks ago, not even finish it, then the next day, “give myself a break” maybe, I’d be done. And, who knows what I’d look like. It beats me why I quit that day, I guess, I just have no motivation. Why have not motivation. When I know what eating right and exercising does? I don’t know. I know one thing for sure. My dad needs to lose 10-15 pounds in the next three months, because he is overweight, not obese but he is overweight. I know one thing; I know what being obese does to your body, your outlook on life, and Jesus, think of how it makes you look. I want to keep my dad around for as long as possible, and if that means eating what he eats, not eating junk food and crap with him, and exercising everyday until we both lose the needed weight, that’s what I’m planning on doing, for him, and me. I’ve never really explained how I got overweight in the first place, and because Easter sparked it, I guess I’ll tell you now

Well, a few years ago. I found out the Easter bunny wasn’t real. I found the stash of candy my dad had beside his bed and I took it. I ate all of it. I then put the empty wrappers in my closet. Then, when Girl Scout cookies were delivered I ate, I don’t even know how many, boxes and boxes of tagalongs. I kept this stash hidden for the next year. I put on 25 pounds in three months. Then, in January of the next year, my grandma had surgery and my dad stayed home for the day to get my sister and I after school little did I know, he’s clean out my closet and pile all of the candy I had eaten over the course of that year. On January 30th, 2008. I wrote in my diary “Hi! I’m very mad because my dad found the extra candy I ate over the years and I am not happy. I know it’s wrong so I’ll show you all what I ate and how I look (I hate my life) **Cue picture of table with approximately foot of candy and me, reaching into the pantry with what looks to be the biggest gut I’ve ever seen *** I’m sorry how fat I am but I can’t help it!!!!!” If I may say something, I was 10 years old and I already hated my life and was putting my body down. I’m sorry but this doesn’t make sense. I, was a happy child on the outside but inside, trust me, I thought about suicide on a regular basis.

And, so I kept struggling with my weight for quite some time. I lied about my weight in school when we had to make our nutrition pyramid. I knew how much I weighed but my friend looked over every few questions so I went with 100 pounds. I knew I was more like 175 or more. I hadn’t been 100 pounds in forever. When I was 8, I weighed 120 pounds. I didn’t really think I could keep gaining weight until May 2011, when I reached 199.2 pounds, my doctor told me “Your weight has skyrocketed. I want you to get down to 165 pounds” Skyrocketed. That memory still flashes before my mind from time to time and I can’t help but thank her for saying that.  If she hadn’t, I’d be bigger and depressed. It was probably that or the fact that I tried on a size 16 dresses for 8th grade graduation and it almost didn’t zip.

Another reason I want to succeed at weight loss is for my grandma. She died of cancer when I was in 8th grade; I’m guessing this is why my weight skyrocketed. I don’t know. But she passed of lung cancer in October of 8th grade, and I wanted to die, She didn’t even see me at my highest and will never see me at my lowest.

To this day, if I didn’t have a hold of my weight, I’d be depressed and I don’t think anyone would know. I was always so happy with friends and family. It was just by myself, I contemplated suicide. A few years ago, I read this thing where old people, if they felt it was time to go, could tell themselves to die in their sleep, and they would. So, every night for month and months I would say this to myself but I would still wake up.

I sometimes think about what pushed me into being depressed. I never believe I was depressed, but thinking about it, I was. And no one noticed. That made it worse. I thought no one cared enough about me to see I was falling into depression. But, it was my own fault. I wasn’t letting people into my life, I still don’t. It’s my terrible fear of rejection talking. I feel like if I let people in, they won’t like whom I am and they’ll leave. Maybe it’s the time a girl facebook messaged me “idont care. u could go kill urself no one would care but ur mom” That really ripped out my soul. I really don’t know, but one thing’s for sure, what keeps me going, is my friends. My sister, the Internet, and other teenager like me. I smile. I always smile; it makes people’s days. People love my dimples and tell it to me too. “The people that smile and laugh the most are the ones who are suffering the most. Because laughter isn’t only the best medicine, it’s also the best disguise.” I think it’s true. When you frown, people ask you what’s the matter. When you smile, people automatically think you’re fine so I smile and make others feel better in the process. My sister. I always wanted an older sister and I know I can’t leave her alone without me. No matter how much we fight, she gets me through the day and I hope I help her get through hers too. The Internet and other teenagers like me. Well, I knew if I ever killed myself, my sister and her friends, my friends even, would think that it’s okay to kill yourself if you get into a rut. So, I think my biggest accomplishment, not losing the weight, but for continuing my life when I wanted to die. So, that’s what I did, That’s why I did it, I’ve lost 40 pounds and have 25-30 to go. I don’t care how long it takes, healthy and happy is going to happen. So, it’s April 1st.

 

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